Posted in Desserts, Humor

Things I learned while painting

Brush-Paint-Pantene-400x250Painting is like going to the bathroom.

No, it’s not a relief.  Far from it.  Painting echoes toileting inasmuch as the instant you are perched precariously on the ladder, hoping the paint doesn’t splatter on the floor below, the phone rings.  Of course as soon as you have descended, put the brush down somewhere other than on top of your pashmina and trotted to the phone, they have hung up.  That is if you’re lucky.

This being an election year, should you pick up, the possibility exists that a robotic voice you can totally trust, exhorts you to vote for this or that candidate, for or against a ballot measure or just reminds you that if you don’t share their opinion, you are pond scum. ……. Best to stay on the ladder.

Synchronized Swimming is good training for detail painting.

Continue reading “Things I learned while painting”

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Posted in Humor

Sometimes you have to laugh

The news this morning is making me giggle.

  • The SEIU backed “occupiers” are wanting union Longshoremen to honor a picket line, and they won’t.
  • The Seattle school district has lost a lot of money because of their ban of junk food in vending machines, so they’re considering overturning the ban.

Bottom line: Money is more important than principles apparently. Follow the money, always follow the money.  You derive much more truth in your evaluation when you understand how the money flows and affects the decision makers.

Posted in Humor, positive directions, Practical

Paint

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.  He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. Continue reading “Paint”

Posted in Humor

Mixed Blessings

I have more hair, hence the awesome airbrushing

When you own a steam cleaner, those occasional pesky spills are no problem.  Just fire up the beast and you’re good to go.  There are a couple of disadvantages though.

  1. When the carpet looks OK, but the high traffic areas need a touch up, you are a fool to take it on. Once those high traffic areas are immaculate, you’ll see just how filthy the entire carpet is and you’ll be forced to change your afternoon plans in favor of cleaning the whole darned level of the house, up to the point where you can close the bedroom doors and pretend they don’t have carpet too.
  2. The spot cleaning, with a 1:3 ammonia/water solution leaves your house smelling like an industrial accident. The neutralizer afterward, consisting of 1:3 vinegar/water makes it smell like you live inside a giant Salade Niçoise.

I would write more, but I have a hankering for some tuna and capers.

Posted in Humor

The joys of aging

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.  I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall which bore his fully name.  Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.  Could he be the same guy on whom I had a secret crush, way back then?

Credit Pixar Studios

Upon seeing him however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.  After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes, I did.  I’m a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

“In 1967, why do you ask?” was the reply. Continue reading “The joys of aging”

Posted in Humor

The corporate cocktail party

Time for the little black dress and the tuxedo.  Nail appointment for her, an especially thorough shave for him.  Teeth well flossed, whitened.  Deodorant – check.  The make up artist said there was the 10 minute look and the 45 minute look.  She opts for the 58 minute look, just to make sure everything is perfect.

Of course the all the C level officers will be there.  CEO, CFO, CwhateverO.  Don’t be nervous, this is merely your best chance ever to shine.  Continue reading “The corporate cocktail party”

Posted in books, Humor

I’m scared

And Another Thing…

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, a trilogy comprising 5 volumes at  the time of author Douglass Adam’s death has received a gift.  Adam’s widow has given permission to the author of the Artemis Fowl series, Eoin Colfer to pen another installment.

Part of me is really excited, part of me says, “nooooooooooooooooo.”  The jury is out.  I’ll just have to read it 😀

Posted in Humor

Sunday morning pleasures

I have a routine on Sunday. I start the coffee, send off the Nielsen Homescan Data (I am to household purchasing what the Nielsen ratings are to TV), and I sit at my computer.

To be honest, most of my life runs on routine, but Sunday mornings I look forward to because

  • I am up before anyone else so the house is quiet
  • That’s when I can read Dave Barry

I have loved Dave Barry almost since he began writing. He’s formulaic, but always funny within that formula and a great deal of my quoted material comes from his columns.

I cooled on my interest when he was between wives because I suspected from his book Dave in Cyberspace, that he found his new wife in an Internet chat area and I felt sorry for the previous wife.  I also thought he wasn’t quite as funny then, but it could have been my filter.

Today, pulling up his column, I knew immediately I had to send the link to my father (remember him? — he’s outstanding in his field).  An avid fisherman, like his father, I knew he would enjoy the humor.

Fly fishing is not a group or even a spectator sport; it is for the soul who relishes the thoughtfulness, skill and challenge. 

Beauty in Nature
Beauty in Nature

In my mind’s eye, I can see my father standing in a meadow where the only indication of a stream is when you come directly upon it.  It is early morning, the sun barely up and mist rising from the water.  He’s wearing his hat, standing tall and straight, almost motionless, except for the occasional flick of the rod; the essence of Zen.

I wish I could post this picture, but it exists only in my mind.  Dad, this column is for you.